Killing a Cockroach

We all experienced a harrowing experience last night
as we stood toe-to-toe against our first giant
Vietnamese Cockroach.

It was about 11 PM. We were all getting ready to go
to bed and reading. I had just finished off my
Dostoevsky (Crime and Punishment) and had started my
Irving (A Prayer for Owen Meany) when Sean spotted
something between a bat and an albatross flit across
the room. After a few fearful seconds of discussion
we determined it was a cockroach and needed to be
tracked down.

We searched for a bit and finally found the vermin,
perched atop the mirror in our bathroom, surveying his
domain. Now, I've seen some big bugs before and even
killed a few in DC, but the only time I've ever seen a
cockroach bigger than this guy was behind glass in the
zoo. Around 3 inches long, his feelers were
prehistoric in length. The idea that this sucker
would share the room with us was incomprehensible.
The room, literally, wasn't big enough enough for the
both of us. It had to be us or him.

I picked up a pair of the the complimentary plastic
sandals near our bathroom door and made a decision:
the cockroach needed to die. We couldn't sleep in the
same space, and entrapment and release wasn't an
option as we had neither a container large enough or
strong enough to hold such a beast. When given such a
choice fear does not become a factor, emotion melts
away, either do or do not.

We decided that the killing must be done in the
bathroom, where there were a limited number of hiding
spots and the white tile surface limited camouflage
while providing us with a washable surface. Taking a
sandal in each hand, I stepped into the bathroom and
closed the door behind me.

First, I decided the killing could not take place
while he was perched on the mirror. I'd seen
Communist Vietnamese construction quality firsthand
and knew that mirror would come down in an instant. I
decided, therefore, to flush the bastard left, toward
the North wall, where I could bring down my second
sandal for a clean, efficient kill against the tile.
But ahhh, this was no mere field general, this roach
saw my plan and would not be outflanked. I must
admit, I grossly underestimated my opponent and his
abilities.

Instead of flying toward the wall, the cunning
pugilist came straight towards me, immediately
negating my size advantage and, in fact, turning my
superior reach against me. Like a frustrated boxer
who's allowed his opponent to get inside, I
short-armed by swings landing not a single blow. The
roach than landed right at my feet and I danced the
flamenco, swatting ineffectually this way and that.
In my mad spinning, however, I had made a critical
mistake, leaving the path to the door unprotected. My
one vow! We had drawn a line in the sand saying,
"Across this threshold you shall not pass!", and I had
let down my defenses.

In an instant he was under the crack and into our
room. Sean had been listening on the other side of
the door and was caught off guard when he saw the
bugger scurry out the door and behind our bureau. The
enemy had brought the fight to us.

My heart sank. I had failed in my most important
task, been out-foxed by a superior opponent, and now
we HAD to find him. There would be no sleep until he
was dead.

Ben and Sean fixed themselves on each side of the
bureau, stomping and swaying the piece trying to flush
the sucker out. There was no movement, no sound, no
air.

We were beginning to think he had made it past the
bureau towards the beds, an unthinkable nightmare. I
was utterly dejected. I had suffered a mortal wound
to my pride and was beginning to lose hope when all of
a sudden, in a brazen move, my opponent showed himself
once more!

He scurried out from behind the bureau, under my bags
and took to flight, again, right towards me! Fool me
once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I had
learned my lesson and was prepared for his attack. I
choked up my grip on my left sandal in preparation for
a close encounter. Sure enough, as he came straight
at my chest, I countered with a quick across-the-body
slash, taking him out of the air and sending him
towards the ground.

Now, I had also observed my opponent's speed, and
prepared myself, cocking my right sandal up in the
air, ready to deliver a quick and decisive death blow
should my enemy enter the "kill zone". As I saw his
body flutter to the ground, momentarily stunned, I
knew it was a once-in-lifetime opportunity. I brought
my sandal down with clap!

Lifting it, I saw his body. Grey puss had squirted
out and he was motionless. It had been a quick death,
and for that, I was glad. He had proved himself a
worth opponent.

In the flush of the moment we unceremoniously dumped
his body down the staircase. Not a fitting end, but
an end none the less.

Let it be a lesson to those who dare to enter our
room! We slept the sleep of the victorious.
Thought you'd like to know.
Casey